A drawing I drew

A lonely boy in the world.

There are certain times, when all I want and all I need, is just somewhere where I can really be on my own. I mean just me, my own space and time, with nobody else knows where. Just to put everything right again. That's that moment when and where, I don't want to be searched, I don't want to be asked about my whereabouts. Cause I feel when someone gets to know where I am then, I feel like that space I was in, was no longer mine, I feel the secret of that became repressed and that put me out of what I feel genuine about being alone. It's just something about me, I am a loner. I just feel like I find a cure to my loneliness, in my loneliness. I know it sounds strange, perhaps stupid even but, well, I think that's just the way it goes. I, will be different, when I finally succeed to reach my balance, I may blend again among people and society. But when I haven't got that, I just, really just, want to be on my own, be sad and wonder, being one kind of a lonely boy in the world.

Whatever happens.

"Beautiful girls refresh my mind, beautiful personalities refresh my soul."

Hendrayana:
You know that quote
Hendrayana:
I got it when I was in the rest of my sick year ago
Hendrayana:
I was hospitalized, and the nurses were my inspirations about it
Hendrayana:
Some nurses were so pretty that I felt entertained, so like my mind was refreshed
Hendrayana:
And then there was this doctor woman, who was quite an elderly, but I really liked the reflection of her personality, that refreshed my soul
Hendrayana:
So that how it came:)
Mandy:
Ah that's a good story... Later you should also include the story as a description!
Hendrayana:
Eh love your suggestion

Building Our Own Heaven

Confidence can be trapped, buried and imprisoned, inside our body, heart or somewhere there. That, to unlock that, some ways are available. To me, confidence can be unlocked when we can face our fear, have a good way of clothing, calm, loving myself, letting go what haunts me, and there are actually many other ways that, I myself may haven't discovered or known. But I believe, confidence has to be won by us, to live our life better and sharper cause, without that, it could feels like, flying thin plastic, carried away easily to, somewhere or nowhere. I think confidence is a power, that function as a support to what we believe in, to what we want to do, or dedicated to. But over confidence is a, seed of cockiness, an explosive behaviour that can be very risky like, when you get too over confidence that you can conquer something dangerous, say, shark? Then you swim to that shark, without fear, but over confidence, you hug that shark, and then somehow gave the wrong signal to that shark then, that shark turns to be aggressive and attacks you? Something like that, can be anything. It's like a boiling water you know, unstable, and out of control, that I think, confidence is chemical in a form of feeling that is an element, or attribute that we have in ourselves as a human being. You see, we have some powers, attributes within us that we can use for good, or, if we aren't careful, it might endangers, and troubles us. So we have the power that actually can help us, but actually also can, destroy us? This we need to pay attention to, to care about and not to really ignore, because ourselves are own responsibility,­ one of the first and the foremost in our life. And that self, is who we really need to take care of first, to love first, before we give feelings to another, it's better that way. Cause you know, to share happiness, we must be happy first too. That's one of the condition where we can reach the state of independence, independence of our beings to ourselves. And when we feel independence, that's when I believe a quality of true happiness exists, or if not too much, a feeling when we feel like in Heaven. Why I said Heaven? Just like bad feelings such as anger, guilts, hatred, disappointments­, boredom and so on, when we feel those negative feelings, don't it feels like hell? That we might say call that "place" once or twice, so on and on perhaps? That's just, isn't that something? Maybe Heaven is not just a place of what we heard from religions, that exists somewhere out there after the universe, after our life, but Heaven, is also a state of feeling, which sometimes we may can feel while we are in this world, a feeling of independence, cleanliness of the soul, purity of the heart and mind, harmony of our beings with another, happiness? Let us then spread positivity more than negativity, positive feelings, minds, thinking, acts, and let us be all building our own Heaven. Do you not want it?

Gal and Gil

One day there was a guy named Gal, he was just a 17 years old kid. He had nothing much to offer the world, he himself felt worthless. He said he was nothing and he had a girlfriend. She was such a pretty girl, she was 16 years old named Gil. They thought they were meant to be, because their names were Gal and Gil. However Gil was more mature than Gal. Gil didn’t believe everything Gal said about himself. Gil believed Gal was much more than described by her boyfriend. And she believed that Gal has such a good fortune, because he had Gil to be his girlfriend. That statement, however made him smiled instead. Gil was the girl who was always there for him, and took care of him, supported him, everything he needed, Gil was full of surprises. But Gal was more realistic, he was in fact was nothing. Gil was fantasy, and reality surprises more than fantasy. So Gal knocked himself out, he hung himself on a tree where they used to make love. Gil cried looked at his boyfriend, she decided to hang herself too on the other hand of the tree. Gal was a reality, Gil was a fantasy. It was so sad to know, Gal didn’t know Gil had true love for him, which was a reality. And Gil didn’t know, Gal was bringing her deep down too reality, sad, because of she was too much fantasy. Now people look at the tree and know the suicide story, they tend to think it could be a touching life, when reality and fantasy meet, they will make love stories.

Hana Farhana Abdat, Photographed by Fary Hendrayana

Loneliness & Happiness

When loneliness is your friend, and you look for other friends, but then loneliness, seems to be like your best kind of friend. That it sticks with you, like a shadow, doesn't want to go and leave, and only happiness that may and will replace that friend. So happiness and loneliness are like two different kind of friends. Loneliness is a friend, who might and can come anytime, perhaps always be there with and for you, especially when happiness is leaving. Happiness is a friend of quality, it doesn't always come, cause it takes a good searching, wills, acts, even blessings to meet this friend. Which frankly, happiness is a rare kind of friend, harder to find than loneliness. So happiness and loneliness, both are your friends, who don't friend with each other cause, of course, when one enters, one leaves. It might be better to befriend with balance instead, or putting the principle of balance in these friendships. That when you have a happiness friend, you don't get too happy, because your loneliness friend can help you to become more aware of life and reduce your over exaggeration to what you feel a happiness. It can be anything, but we ourselves, we make our friends, and our friends are sometimes our own reflections, if you take a clearer look of your friends, perhaps you'd see how identical they're to you, in personality, hobbies, interests, and the like. That they seem sometimes are, the definitions of what and who you are is. Like friends are parts of our life, like life, like friends are the mirror of our life, that they're defined by our own being, ourselves, our reality, or that they, sometimes defining who we are actually. Life can be mysterious in time, and is actually mysterious, so you can't just always lay back and demand with logic, nor rely on it, for logic doesn't really get there. It can be better to have one best friend than a thousand friends. But sometimes, it's better to lose a friend, for a thousand friends. In case that friend, is sorry to say, not good enough for you, or, more negative than positive for your life. It's a truth in life, sometimes happens, frequently happens. You must know who you friend with, and realize that your friends, will influence your life abundantly invincible, and visible. So it's wise sometimes, to pick your friends. To choose friends, for a good reason and purpose, for loving yourself. It's lovely to be friendly, but if you stick with the wrong friends, you would go wrong, it's certain. Even only just go wrong in a matter of way of thinking, it's a step closer to danger. Unless you friend with anyone, but you know your limit, and your principles of value, and keep it steady, and loyal to it, to yourself. Which sometimes is difficult to mind just about the limit, for we don't want to care cause, that's our friend, our friend we love, our lovely friends that made us laugh. Life is lovely, it offers you not just the positive chances, but also the stuck moments where you find it's difficult to be loyal to yourself, for the shake of your friends who you love, it's dangerously adorable, sweet and can be touching. And then that's when, your life begins in a different dimension, things start to change, and some start to falling apart, time and journey you have to go through because of your own previous decisions. Or time and journey that you have to go through because it's your destiny, or fate. There's difference between, what you've to go through because of your decision, and what you've to go through because of it's your destiny or fate. And frankly there are like two kind of people at least, one who believe in decision, two who believe in fate. Some people who believe in decisions tend to disbelieving and deny the existences or the truth of destiny or fate. But some people who believe in destiny, tend to not negating the contribution of their decisions to their fate. It (fate) might indeed radically implemented by some decisions we have made...

For loneliness brings me to a state of understanding and to become strong, that when I think of that, I feel happy.

 It's killing me sometimes, but I'm not dead then, I guess it's true, "what doesn't kill me only make me stronger."

Too much sugar can make something becomes too sweet, like, too much kindness can make someone becomes naivê.

kind

Just being kind and good iss not enough, we have to be smart too. Kindness will charm the heart, but the brain will appreciate smartness more, or bad brains may take advantage of someone's kindness. So if we smart too, we can sense the signal of someone's bad will, to take advantage of what they see as kindness among us. And the world is cruel when you're stupid and numb, better be feared than loved, for to be feared can help you respect yourself better, but not to become too prideful. On the other side, beloved can give different advantage, but beloved is weaker than feared, that it can fade sooner, especially when hate conquers, just like a paper is burnt, love is going away, is fading away. The point is, it's the best to gain respect to our ownselves, we to respect ourselves, and to gain respect from others. So don't think if you or someone is a kind person, is enough, no, kind but stupid is dangerous to that person himself. For example, if he's kind but stupid, he would risk a lot because his heart doesn't feel good to say no, to what he should say no, that action is more useless than useful. Kind but smart is admirable, a quality that's closer to happiness, and it's an important priority for a human being to become. To not become ignorant to what he has to pay attention to, to care and to be smart at the same time.

2013

I've been in distances from others for quite some time. I myself put myself in the corner, off and away. I have this fight within my heart since the day it was broke, cold and hard. Psychologically I was hurt and angry. I tried to fix mine and heal my heart on my own, but I guess I haven't made it. I thought I can do it alone but, the alienation I committed myself into, just burn and breaking it even more. I felt I didn't deserve a company or happiness from others, I've been eaten by my own guilts, I've been killing myself. Then I came to conclusion that I can't stay this way, what will I become? Torturing myself along? I need to build back my life. I don't want to keep ceasing and fading, I can only really admit it just now, I've been wasting my time and chances. I left it all in 2012, just very now I realized, I can't always live alone, enough for me to beat myself up. Happy New Year 2013.

Added at 4 January 2013
I don't know why I feel like that post is not honest enough, if I was to be more honest, I'd sound way so weak, I was already sounded weak and whining. But, well, I think it came out from what I really felt deep inside. And I guess just every human being has their weakness. That one up there sound common didn't it? A feeling of numbness, that almost everyone could feel. I think it's okay to admit our weakness sometimes, it's okay to whine, to be weak, it's okay. I think that's one chance, one point where we can realize our human being, and to not becoming too prideful to admit that, we do mistakes, and sometimes we are just sucks. Time when we need to learn again how to love ourselves again, or to make us love ourselves again, in new ways, different ways. Like us and ourselves are two different persons that each of their respect and love are to be gained.